April 3, 2023 - Effort

I am a human compost heap decomposing into the elemental and primal forces that formed me and the walls of the maze that make up my life. Still going somewhere else, and I will get us there! Until I cannot. Then the moon will pull the salt water of this body, magnetized between heaven and earth, stretched thin and covering the whole world. Down and down, it’s always down, deep into the water canyons of life until I touch bottom. In wet soil a single cedar grows tall and straight.

Slowly it comes into focus that my whole life has been based on a simple misperception of reality. How do I break the news gently to my self, that everything you’ve ever wanted, hoped for, and dreamed of will never be? It’s not that you can’t have it, it’s just not what you thought, and it’s not that there’s something better on offer either, but nothing at all, just wide open space for flowers to bloom without a gap between us.

Maybe like this; if this world worked how you thought then it would have happened by now. There’s been no shortage of effort, but it just doesn’t. How else could bees still buzz and pollinate flowers, how could crickets still sing and song birds lay their eggs in a circle of twigs? How else could strangers say hello? It’s OK to be wrong about everything, even if you’ve built your self and whole life on it. It’s OK that there’s nothing out there at all to hang on to, and nothing in here to be. Let’s just look around and see what’s here already.